Title: Noah Bennet: The Man with the Birth Plan
Characters: Noah Bennet, various other people who don’t matter
Genre: het and slash
Author: Game_byrd the Early Byrd
Word count: 542 before I added the title block
Note: Because I hate mpreg (without explanation, or at least hand-waving), OOCness, misrepresentations of pregnancy, and people who can’t follow the rules. I fully expect this to be disqualified for my failure to follow the rules. That’s why I am entering this as bad!fic.
Noah Bennet looked at the pregnancy test strip. It was pink. “OMG!” he squealed. “I’m going to have a girl! A little girl of my own!”
“You already have a little girl,” Sandra said, busily knitting another dog sweater for Mr. Chubbles, the family Rottweiler. “Her name is Claire.”
“No, that’s not the SAME AT ALL!” Noah wailed as he flounced from the room.
“Where ever are you going now?” Sandra said in exasperation. She wasn’t surprised Noah was pregnant, what with the raging hormones and the constant sex with everything.
Noah stuck his head back in the room. “I have to go find out who the father is, duh!” And vanished.
Noah Bennet was on a mission. He started with Peter Petrelli, because they’d shagged mercilessly in the back seat of some unfortunate person’s Ford Taurus, leaving it smeared with three different kinds of lube and four different kinds of bodily excretions and secretions. When Peter found out Noah was pregnant, he fainted. Noah had to kick him in the ribs three times before he woke up. Then Noah took a DNA sample.
Next he went to Angela, because even though she was a woman, you never knew. Besides, they’d done it in the coat closet more times than he could remember. She wasn’t surprised by his request. While he was there he checked out the maid and the butler too.
Then he went to the carnival, because Edgar was so fast they’d banged 87 times in the course of a single afternoon. He didn’t think it was him. Edgar promised he’d used a condom each and every time. He got a sample anyway.
Then he visited Mohinder, because they’d done some really kinky shit in the name of science. Mohinder was fascinated by the developments and tried to jump his bones again right there, but Noah started screaming, “Think of the children, Momo!” and “I’ll tell your mother!” The first one didn’t work, but the second did, so Noah took his sample and left.
Finally, he tracked down Samson out in the woods, because he’d recently honored a dying man’s wish and made him really happy. But Samson was dead now and smelled awful. Noah took a sample anyway.
Noah mailed in all his candidates to a lab and they sent him the results the very next day. He was starting to show and he knew he’d have the baby any day now, so this was really good that he got the answer so fast. He was thinking he really should have checked Sylar too, and maybe there were some other people he couldn’t remember. He read the letter and burst into tears, crying huge buckets of aquamarine, drippy tears that slid down the furniture and puddled under him like a great sea of despair.
Then he realized his water had broken and he had a baby. It was a tiny baby girl and her name was Jasmine and she was sweet as could be. She looked up at him and said, “Daddy!” in the cutest little voice. Noah looked at her and suddenly remembered that he had a partner, Rene. Why did he always forget that? Now that he had Jasmine, he would never forget.